I don’t know when I was first aware of this, but I sometimes have temper issues. Not so bad that I become violent or aggressive or anything of that sort. I just close up and seethe when somebody or something irks me.
Or I seethe and wait to one-up said person and prove my worth. (A plan that backfires without fail, might I add.)
Or I just get grumpy. (Which I can’t hide for the life of me.)
So I would just bottle up that frustration and turn it inward and rip myself apart. After the beginning of the year, I made a series of very bad decisions and hit rock bottom. Deeper than rock bottom. More like buried under the devil in the ninth circle of hell rock bottom.
My anger and hatred were through the roof. I hated people for putting me into situations. I hated myself for making the wrong decisions. I hated my fear. I hated the things that I once loved. I hated my hate, and very quickly, I feared my hate.
… I had a counselor to get me through my struggle. She told me that when I am angry or frustrated, just take a breath and let it out. Don’t hold it. Don’t breathe too quickly. Just let it out at your own pace.
I was thinking about that. About why it helps. Scientifically, it’s because the oxygen will slow your heart rate and make you feel less in fight-or-flight. It also gives you time to think. But I remembered something in English etymology that the word breathe branches from the word spirit, from the Latin spiritus.
I’m an English major. I could easily romanticize language, but, to be frank, words are nothing but symbols we created to explain the things around us. Spiritus is both the breaths we take to live, as well as the spirit of ourselves - roughly, our souls. When I am angry and hold in my pain, my spirit is figuratively tainted. So I breathe. I pull in the anger and I release it. Spirit restored.
Ideally, that’s how it would work. I still have a long way to go before I can let every little thing roll off of me like water on a leaf, but at least I think… I hope I’m on the right track.
I’m going back to school next week. It just so happens that every person I despise is there, too. I don’t waste my energy just hating anybody, but these people…. I’m trying to be patient. I’m trying to be professional. I don’t fully understand why they still affect me. I know I haven’t posted in a while, but this has been on my mind, so I thought I’d write it out. Maybe this will help someone like it helped me. As usual, thanks for listening, tumblrs.
Something I hate about myself: My smiles are grins and, therefore, look like I have wifi signals imbedded in my dimples. Plus, when I’m happy and smiling, it looks like I have lines under my eyes. I’m not a pretty smiler.
Something I’m quite happy about: The fact that I have reasons to smile.
Life has a funny way to be frustrating.